Wednesday, March 18, 2015


“What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do - especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.” 
William Least Heat-Moon (1931-), American traveler and writer.

Greece, March 18, 2015.

 Three years ago I was not a human being. Fear paralyzed me and anxiety gnawed at me. In the beginning it was the logical nerves of going to an unknown place, but the beast was fed by my insecurity, I grew and became a monster that devoured my soul. Like a robot, I was only able to go to familiar places. The last one that I got to know was the National Library of Spain, where the low lighting and lack of people made ​​me feel comfortable. But over time it became unbearable that every day I was assigned a different table, and within weeks I was unable to get up from my chair to request new books, so I stopped going, even though I had not finished my work there. Then I took refuge at home, I could not even feel at home there. By that-+ time Gabi and I were looking for an opportunity to build a new life away from Las Rozas where we had shared flat with a colleague of his for a while. Until something new came up, we had moved in to his mother's house on the outskirts of a residential area. Just to go to buy bread one had to walk for fifteen minutes, there was no contact between neighbors and just to get to my library an hour and a half of public transport was necessary. Gradually I stopped going to Madrid, I could not bear the stares of strangers when I got on the bus. I didn´t even try to find an empty seat, I just looked for a corner where I couldn´t bother anyone and waited for everyone to get off the bus when it arrived at Moncloa so no one would see me get off.  But the walk to the bus stop was increasingly unbearable: my legs weighed me down, they shook and my joints ached. A knot choked my throat when I searched my pockets for the bus pass because I was making both the people waiting to board and the driver wait. When the bus pass finished, I didn´t catch the bus for fear of paying cash and the coins falling out of my hands. So, it stopped making sense to leave home and expose myself to a world of inquisitive looks, where I was just a nuisance in the routine of others.